So  it has been a good while since writing. I have been in a bit of a funk lately and have not really felt inspired to write. Although I can't pinpoint one specific reason, I think it is a culmunation of a few things.

The biggest has to be reenacting. I have been busily preparing for my first event (which has come and gone), and I know the overwhelming amount of stuff to get ready weighed on me. More than feeling overwhelmed though, I am, for lack of a better word, depressed about my situation. Let me explain. When my husband and I were dating and first married, we talked about getting into reenating because we both liked the Civil War and he had actually gotten to march at Gettysburg for his birthday one year. I was excited because I had wanted to do it for a long time and finding a man who had the same interest as me was awesome! I couldn't wait to get started! However, as with all things in life, nothing went according to plan and we didn't end up getting into it. I would bring it up from time to time, but it would always get pushed off to the side and we would go on with life. Last year, I really felt like God was telling me to get into and so I researched on-line and found the Illiana Civil War Historical Society. I talked with my husband about it and he was reluctant, but when I told him he could shoot the cannon, he agreed. I was ECSTATIC! I went to the meeting, paid my dues and we were in. I instantly started looking up things for us to buy/make and I even bought him a belt and buckle on ebay. We went to meet a nice family with kids our age who would be able to help us and sit in on their unit meeting. It was so cool and I was shaking with excitement.

A few days later, the bottom fell out. All of a sudden my husband didn't want to do it anymore. Plain and simple, he just didn't want to do it. I was so disappointed and kind of in shock. He told me I could still do it, but I wasn't sure I wanted to without him. Afterall, we had always talked about doing it and here was our chance and now he didn't want to. I thought it over and decided that I was going to do what I felt God was leading me to do, so we forged ahead without him.  Everytime I would say something about it or buy something for the hobby he would obviously become irritated, so it became a taboo subject, at least from my perspective.

I was, and am still confused as to why God would have me doing something that would cause friction between me and my husband. And I know this is what I'm supposed to do because I am constantly checking with Him to make sure and everytime I do another door opens. What I don't undertand, too, is why of all the things my husband had to grow out of did it have to be reenacting? Why couldn't it have been like his army men, or Legos, or even firecrackers?! Why did it have to be one of the things we enjoyed together?

Because of my feeling down about all of that I have been slacking in the housemaker department, which makes me feel even more down. You see, I am one of those people that eats because she's depressed and is then depressed because she's eating. Well as you can imagine things start piling up quickly in a family of five. Dishes, laundry, overall clutter. I have to admit that I at least wash the laundry, but the clean stuff piles up. And I do clean, don't get me wrong. It's just that for a while I was on top of it, being a good wife and mother keeping my kids happy, my house cleaned and my husband satisfied. But I have slowly begun to fall away from all of that which makes me sad. However, I can't seem to get the motivation to get back into it which bums me out. I'm sure you can see where this is going. It's a cycle and I hate it.

I must admit that my biggest "fall away" has been from reading my Bible. I know that doing that will help to lift my spirits and get me back into the swing of things. And I have been trying. But have you ever been in a place where you feel like God just isn't talking to you right now? That's where I am. Prayer has been high on my list and I try, but I can't even seem to focus enough to do that!  I know that Satan won't win this, and I will come out on top. It's just a long climb. But with the Lord showing me the way, holding my hand on the tough spots, and pushing me when I can't go any farther I know I'll make it.


***This has been edited to say that  I did not write this to make my husband look like the bad guy. I wrote it because I am in a funk and writing makes me feel better. In fact, I cried when writing this post because of my saddness of not being with him. My husband is a wonderful and supportive man and I thank God every day for him. Without him I would be lost.***

Thoughts of being a "Good Wife"

Wow, has it really been almost a month since I sat down to capture some of my thoughts??? It's easy how life gets away from us like that, isn't it?

Well over the last month a lot has rolled around in this head of mine, some good, some not so good and still others that really just kinda rolled on through and waved as they passed. The one that has been in the forefront of my mind as of late (besides reenacting) is my role as wife and mother. I know that in my Goals for 2011, numbers 1 & 2 are concerning this very subject and I have made a substantial effort to being better in both areas. I have been trying several different ideas on how to keep up with the housework and off Facebook and out of the sewing station a bit more. I'm still tweaking the system, but it's getting there. However, over this past month I have really been striving to do more. I continuously think of June Cleaver and how I wish I could be her. It's really hard to explain the drive behind my emotions and thoughts on the whole subject so just go with me. I was doing a little research on housewives of the 1950's and came across this blog post. It lists an excerpt from another woman's blog who was talking of an article written in 1955 about how to be a "good housewife". As I read through the list I began to feel empowered. True, there were some things on the list I didn't quite agree with, such as this one

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first -remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

but I realize, unlike a few of the commentors on the post, that the idea behind the entire list is love. I love and respect my husband and want to do all that I can to show him that. I really feel drawn to the idea of being more domestic and desire very much to learn the trade. However, as with most things, I am having a hard time staying on track. There are days (like today) where I set out with good intentions then find that I have spent the entire day (not really but it feels like it) sitting and reading through the Sewing Academy forums. But I guess that's what it's like when you are trying to change you ways of thinking and behaving as well as attitude.

A couple of weeks ago my husband and I were talking about how some groups of faith wear skirts and dresses. I personally don't agree with the practice, but that's another topic for another day. Anyway, during our conversation I stopped and asked him what he thought. He said that women should dress up when they go out with their husbands. I questioned him a bit more and he got frustrated and said that I put him on the spot and "[didn't] know" I tried to tell him that I wasn't trying to trap him, as I think that's what he thought, rather I was just trying to figure out what he wanted so that I could please him in one more area. Now I know that sounds a bit absurd to most people, especially in today's feminist world, but it's how I feel. I want to meet the expectations of my husband, just as every wife does, but I want to make sure that I am meeting as many as possible. If he thinks that I need a dress/skirt with hair and makeup when we go grocery shopping, then that's what I want to do for him, because I love him. Now I'm not saying that every time we go I am going to be able to pull that off, but if that's what he desires, then that's what I want to do.

See, these are the kinds of things that I have been struggling with lately. And I say struggling not because I don't want to do them, but because I want to and just haven't figured out how yet. I'm sure in time and with God's help, I will get it all down. Good thing we've got lots more years of being married for me to figure it all out!! :)

Sickness and Sweetness

This was a rough week for my husband. He had step throat and when he gets it, it knocks him down flat which meant that I had to add Nurse to my list of duties for the day. Not that I minded at all, I love getting to tend to my husband when he's sick. I don't really know why, but I enjoy it. He spent from Sunday morning when he got home from work until Tuesday late morning in bed sleeping. Monday the only reason he left bed was to go to the doctor and then later in the evening he came out for about 30 mins or so, but then went right back to bed. I think he lost ten pounds and I was saying "Hey make me sick, I want to lose ten pounds!" Thankfully he is all better now and due to his schedule, only had to miss two days of work then had three more to fully recover.

Also this week, I got to go to the ladies meeting at church. I really do like going to those. I am not much of a social person and I have social anxiety in the worse way most of the time, but I am finding myself more and more able to attend events like this one and not feel so nervous. Anyway, my "team" was supposed to bring a dessert for the evening's meeting and I, having little in the way of available funds, went for something cheap. This is what I ended up with

And I shall call them "indoor s'mores"

They were really yummy, but oh so rich!  I think the next time I do them, I will only dip them half way so there is not so much chocolate. They were super easy to make too which is good for me since a baker I am not!

And instead of a thankful thought today, in light of the natural disaster in Japan, I will say a prayer for those affected.

Lord, please be with those who have been affected by this earthquake and subsequent tsunamis. I pray that those who have died knew you and are with you now. I ask that you be with those who are still missing, and bring comfort to the families of the dead and missing.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

Today's Thankful Thought

Today, amid all the articles and videos that I have been bombarded with recently, I am thankful for 

MY COUNTRY.

Now I know that seems a bit odd considering all that this country is going through at the moment. But you know what? Now matter what is happening, I still believe that the United States is the greatest country in the world! We may have our problems, but hands down there is no other place I would rather live. I am so thankful to God that he put me in this country. I can't imagine living where I have to worry day in and day out about bullets and bombs and my family's safety, or if we have enough food, or where we can get clean water, or if someone is going to come in the middle of the night and take my children away and force them to join some military group. I can lay down at night and know that we are safe. That if we run out of food we can drive down the road to a store and buy more. That if I turn on the faucet, and have paid my water bill, that clean, potable water is going to come out of the spout.

There are seemingly so many people nowadays that want only to complain about our great country, about it's leaders and it's policies and the like. And there are those who would poop on the flag (yes it really has happend) or say they aren't American's or that Obama isn't their president, but I have news for all of them and those like them. If they live in this country, they ARE Amercians, Obama IS their president, and that flag is THEIR flag, and if they don't like it then they can leave the country!! I know that sounds harsh, but it's the way I feel.

Far too many people have bled and died for that beautiful flag, and although I'm not brave enough to do it, I am thankful to all that have. It represents a place where you can be what you want to be, say what you want to say, and if you feel so inclined, protest at a fallen soldier's funeral. I just wish that people who speak against the country and it's fallen heros would remember that this country gives them that right. If they were to speak or act that way in some countries, they would be dead before their video hit YouTube. 

Somehow this Thankful Thought turned into a bit of a soapbox rant about people who are against our country and I appologize. I just want to say thank you to God for giving me such a wonderful place to call home. I truly am PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!

The Great Wait and See

I have been a slacker. I guess more than that I just have not really felt inspired. That, however, is no excuse for ignoring at least my Thankful Thoughts posts. But alas, I have and now I am trying to get back on the train. In my absence I have created another blog to exhibit my "creations". Check it out here if you want. Now, onto the post...

Have you ever felt like something was about to happen but you just didn't know what it was? I get that way from time to time and find myself in that place yet again. It's like a stirring in my soul, an anticipation of what God is preparing to do in my life. I find it really hard to explain. I'm sure if you've ever felt it then you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's that near-the-top-of-the-hill-but-can't-quite-see-what's-up-there kind of excitement that just gets your hands shaking and your mind racing. I guess that explains it, yeah. Anyway, that's where I am. I have had this feeling for about a week now, and I wish I knew what it was for or even who it is for. You see, I don't know if the event that is about to happen is going to be for my life, our life (mine and the hubby's) or if I/we are going to do something to change someone else's life. I just know that God is working and I need to be ready when His plan is revealed to me.

And that, friends, is where I get bummed. Not bummed because God is working in my life, but because I don't know what He's doing. I am so excited about the prospect of what is to come, but find myself in a slump because I have to wait. I am not the most patient person in the world and I strongly dislike being left out of the loop. Now I know that the Lord has absolutely every right to keep me out of the loop, but dang it! It's not fair!

The hubby and I talked just the other day about what I was feeling and he said that he, too, had been having a feeling that something was in the works. He thought it was because we were going to be building a shed but once it was finished he was still feeling that way. So at least I'm not the only one who thinks something is about to happen.

So what could it be about? I don't know, but here are some of my guesses:

• a cheaper house to rent
• some sort of missionary thing
• writing a letter to the Westboro "Baptist Church"
• me starting an Etsy shop and selling things I make elsewhere, too

I have a feeling though, that it might be the last one. I don't say that to gloat, but I really think that's it. I personally don't think the things I make people would want to buy. But I have been in prayer about it recently due to some remarks I have heard. One night while I was reading in Proverbs I came across a verse that basically said that hard work is rewarded but "mere talk leads to poverty." Notice how I remembered that part? That's because I always get these grand ideas to make different things and try to sell them but then I never follow through on it because I have such low self-esteem and confidence and think that no one would buy my stuff. It's not as good as some of the stuff out there and most of it is so easy that anyone could do it. My hubs constantly tries to build me up and encourages me to go for it, but all I do is talk about it. And guess what?? I'm poor! Go figure! :-)

I could be completely wrong and the Lord could have something completely different in store for me. I just need to continue praying about it and wait and see what happens. Darn that wait and see part...

Thankful Thoughts Catch Up

I admit that I forgot a few days, but I was thankful for things last week, even if I didn't write them out. Here are some pictures with short notes about each one. No in-depth-ness here today! :)

 I am thankful for a hot dog octopus resting comfortably in a sea of shells and cheese. It reminded me that even the daily things like dinner can be fun.

I am thankful for my husband's big feet, even if his big size 16 clodhoppers do get in the way all the time! He'd look pretty funny with a smaller feet. Those big babies get mighty cold in the winter (BELIEVE ME!) but without them he wouldn't be able to do all that he does for us and for God.

I am thankful for imagination. Without it, my kiddos would not have been able to fix my sink, because you know it had "FOURTEEN WATERS!" and I really can't have that under there. :) God gives us all a fantastic imagination as children and only the lucky ones hold onto that and keep it into adulthood, although it may change slightly. If only more kids today would use their imgaination.

I am thankful for my organs. Without them I woud not be able to live. They make sure my blood is clean, my cells are fed, that other organs are working properly and that anything not used is discarded. It still amazes me that a ball of cells can change into a three layered tube, then into a fully functioning body and that those cells know which ones are going to be which organ and exactly where in the organ they belong and how that organ is to function. Proof that God does exist because no primordial ooze could figure that one out!

I am thankful for the Father/Daughter dance that Chicken got to attend with her dad. It was so wonderful to see her get so excited about "going on a date with Daddy". They both had a wonderful time and it is something they will both cherish all their days. A wonderful way to grow that Daddy/Daughter bond!

I am thankful for building a snowman with my kids before the snow melted. It was a humble snowman, but I didn't have gloves on and my hands were frozen, so I hurried. I had promised them all winter long we would build a snow man, and I am thankful that I was able to fulfill that promise before the snow was gone. They loved it and that's what matters!

There's not really a thankful thought behind this picture, I just thought it was cute! :-)

I hope you can find something to be thankful about today. You'll be suprised how much more you enjoy life when you stop and look around at all you have!

Time for some thought

You know, it has been a while since I wrote down my thankful thoughts, or for that matter any of my thoughts. So today, I think I shall give it a go. 

Somedays, you just have to wonder. What does it all mean? What does it mean to be who you are? What does it mean to follow or lead? What does it mean to be happy with your world both outside your home and inside? I don't claim to be some great philosopher or thinker of great thoughts and to be honest the odds of getting a great thought out of me is slim to none. But have you ever just stopped to think about life and what it all means?

In my quest to be a better wife and mother (see Goals one and two for the year) I have taken some time to stop and think about my life, where it was, where it is, and where it is going. I know that seems like an awful deep thing to think about, but at some point everyone needs to sit down and assess the situation as it were. I mean, afterall we only get one life so we better make sure that it is what we want it to be. So upon assessing my life at least in part, I have come to three conclusions:

•  God is in control of my life
•  Life can't get much better than this here on Earth
•  I have dreams yet to be fullfilled

Are these deep, philosophical conclusions? No, I already told you that wasn't my goal. These are just the basic summation of my look into me. I suppose you might want to know how I came to these conclusions. Even if you didn't I'm going to tell you anyway. Perhaps seeing how I looked at things will help you as you look in to your own life.

God is in control of my life.
When I looked at my past and all that brought me to where I am now, it's not hard to see the hand of God in my life. Not only with the introduction of my husband, but other circumstances as well. Aside from meeting Joshua, I can, without thinking, come up with two other examples of God in my life. One being when a $7000.00 hospital bill suddenly became $175.00 and then that money was sent back to us stamped "written off" and the other would be the way that my youngest son El Segundo came into this world. I know of others, and maybe someday I'll take the time to write more about them, but for now I'll just leave it with those two. They are, at least to me, two very strong indicators that I am not in control; although, sometimes I like to believe I am and that's when I get knocked down to my knees.

Life can't get much better than this here on Earth
I know, this one seems a bit strange, huh? Especially since a few posts ago I was complaining about not having enough money to go around. But I don't believe that money brings happiness. In fact, I think an excess of money brings more sorrow and pain that it does anything else. Just look at the majority of Hollywood!! The people with the most money are the ones constantly getting divorces and drug charges and all the other stuff you see on the newstands. However, having a husband who loves me, children who want to be like me, and a God who will never forsake me leaves me thinking that I've got it made! What more could a person really ask for that those three things? Some LDS witnesses once asked me if they could tell me how to be happy and I responded that I was pretty happy already. Then they asked me "Wouldn't you like to know how to be even happier?" to which I responded "I believe I'm about as happy as I'm going to get on Earth. My happiness waits for me in Heaven." They didn't know what to say! I hope it gave them something to think about though, and I hope it does you too.

I have dreams yet to be fulfilled
Who doesn't? I know that there is a chance that I may never get to do some of the things that I have dreamed about. But then I have already done things that I only dreamed about, like finding a wonderful man who loves me for me and having three of the most beautiful children in the world. What are my dreams yet to be fulfilled? I want to go to Ireland to watch the sheep grazing on the meadows, find the cure to some horrific disease, record a CD and swim the Great Barrier Reef among many. The dream I really wanted to come true before I died was to see the ocean, and unless God calls me home before then I will get to see it come June (but don't tell my kids, it's a suprise!).

All in all I would have to say that life is wonderful. It may be chaotic at times, down on your luck at others, and outright unbearable still other times. But if I can just remember that God is in control of my life, then the rest doesn't seem so bad. As long as I keep on His path, it will all work out in the end. I encourage you to step back and take a look at your own life. Really make sure you're where you're supposed to be. And if not, then ask God where you're supposed to be and He'll help you get there.