So  it has been a good while since writing. I have been in a bit of a funk lately and have not really felt inspired to write. Although I can't pinpoint one specific reason, I think it is a culmunation of a few things.

The biggest has to be reenacting. I have been busily preparing for my first event (which has come and gone), and I know the overwhelming amount of stuff to get ready weighed on me. More than feeling overwhelmed though, I am, for lack of a better word, depressed about my situation. Let me explain. When my husband and I were dating and first married, we talked about getting into reenating because we both liked the Civil War and he had actually gotten to march at Gettysburg for his birthday one year. I was excited because I had wanted to do it for a long time and finding a man who had the same interest as me was awesome! I couldn't wait to get started! However, as with all things in life, nothing went according to plan and we didn't end up getting into it. I would bring it up from time to time, but it would always get pushed off to the side and we would go on with life. Last year, I really felt like God was telling me to get into and so I researched on-line and found the Illiana Civil War Historical Society. I talked with my husband about it and he was reluctant, but when I told him he could shoot the cannon, he agreed. I was ECSTATIC! I went to the meeting, paid my dues and we were in. I instantly started looking up things for us to buy/make and I even bought him a belt and buckle on ebay. We went to meet a nice family with kids our age who would be able to help us and sit in on their unit meeting. It was so cool and I was shaking with excitement.

A few days later, the bottom fell out. All of a sudden my husband didn't want to do it anymore. Plain and simple, he just didn't want to do it. I was so disappointed and kind of in shock. He told me I could still do it, but I wasn't sure I wanted to without him. Afterall, we had always talked about doing it and here was our chance and now he didn't want to. I thought it over and decided that I was going to do what I felt God was leading me to do, so we forged ahead without him.  Everytime I would say something about it or buy something for the hobby he would obviously become irritated, so it became a taboo subject, at least from my perspective.

I was, and am still confused as to why God would have me doing something that would cause friction between me and my husband. And I know this is what I'm supposed to do because I am constantly checking with Him to make sure and everytime I do another door opens. What I don't undertand, too, is why of all the things my husband had to grow out of did it have to be reenacting? Why couldn't it have been like his army men, or Legos, or even firecrackers?! Why did it have to be one of the things we enjoyed together?

Because of my feeling down about all of that I have been slacking in the housemaker department, which makes me feel even more down. You see, I am one of those people that eats because she's depressed and is then depressed because she's eating. Well as you can imagine things start piling up quickly in a family of five. Dishes, laundry, overall clutter. I have to admit that I at least wash the laundry, but the clean stuff piles up. And I do clean, don't get me wrong. It's just that for a while I was on top of it, being a good wife and mother keeping my kids happy, my house cleaned and my husband satisfied. But I have slowly begun to fall away from all of that which makes me sad. However, I can't seem to get the motivation to get back into it which bums me out. I'm sure you can see where this is going. It's a cycle and I hate it.

I must admit that my biggest "fall away" has been from reading my Bible. I know that doing that will help to lift my spirits and get me back into the swing of things. And I have been trying. But have you ever been in a place where you feel like God just isn't talking to you right now? That's where I am. Prayer has been high on my list and I try, but I can't even seem to focus enough to do that!  I know that Satan won't win this, and I will come out on top. It's just a long climb. But with the Lord showing me the way, holding my hand on the tough spots, and pushing me when I can't go any farther I know I'll make it.


***This has been edited to say that  I did not write this to make my husband look like the bad guy. I wrote it because I am in a funk and writing makes me feel better. In fact, I cried when writing this post because of my saddness of not being with him. My husband is a wonderful and supportive man and I thank God every day for him. Without him I would be lost.***